First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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