Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
