so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
