I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
