she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
