I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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