I faked an abortion last night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
