I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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