there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
