So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
