I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
