OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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