I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize