Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
