Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
