My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
