I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
