Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize