is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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