using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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