grandma shit on top of the toilet
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
