matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
