Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize