Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
