they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
