I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
