Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize