Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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