you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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