No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
