Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Buhtt sex?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
