If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
