this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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