i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
