if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize