In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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