she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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