I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
