my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Blood and glitter go together right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
