Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
