saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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