dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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