I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
