Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
