You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
