I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
