I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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