call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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