she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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