1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
