My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
