I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
