How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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