remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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