just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize