Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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