Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
