A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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