quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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