i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
