u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize