Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I believe in your delicious
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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