I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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