Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
