My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
