When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
